Running in the rain

I have had a week’s worth of sending emails around the world. It seems that I have found myself in the middle of a self-promotion campaign and double-guessing myself along the way. I’m not the kind of person that seeks the spotlight and it seems surreal to be on an ad campaign for myself.

I met Liz Miller this week. It really helps to have people believe in your dreams, especially when it’s someone who wrote the book on skating. Thank you goes to her, and, also to everyone that has voted so far.

Today I ran 6.2 miles in the icy rain. Under Armor Cold Gear makes it completely bearable. I am thankful that I bought it for the last cross-country skate. The right gear is always the right answer. I also like being clad in spandex. It makes me feel like a superhero.

It felt good to go running for an hour. A nice, smooth pace to keep the heart rate down let me zone out for a while and just flow with the run. It let me have the mental down time to let my mind wander.

The whole time I ran, I was deep in thought about the path that I have chosen for myself. My friend, Brian Shicoff, says that men are defined by their adventures. He also suggested meditating on convincing myself to pursue my dreams.

Then the light switched on in my head. I realized that I was repeating a pattern from my childhood. I was, in fact, giving myself every reason that I didn’t deserve to be the person doing this. I was playing into the mind games of self-doubt. So, I decided to start listing out every reason that I don’t deserve to succeed in my quest:

1) I deserve to be a failure.
2) I’m not qualified.
3) There are people faster than me.
4) I’m not the right person for the job.
5) I don’t deserve to leave a legacy to my child.
6) I’m short.
7) I’m weak.
8) I’m ugly.
9) I’m awkward.
10) I’m slow.
11) Mom dressed me funny.
12) It’s too long to skate.
13) My ankle hurts.
14) I don’t want to be on a training program.
15) I’m tired.
16) My step-father was right….
17) No one cares about my dreams.

I had more. The longer that I spouted them off with my own voice, the better that I felt. Speaking my doubts took their power away. I found myself enjoying listing off any insecurity as they surfaced in my mind.

So, there I was, running in the icy rain, numbering off every reason that I don’t deserve to succeed in my skating quest. Thankfully, there weren’t any other people out in the elements to listen to my ramblings. It might have been embarrassing.

(go find you rainy run)